You used to be the only person I ever let see me cry, the person I turned to for comfort, even when you were the one doing the hurting.

But now I'm back to square one.

No where to turn to, the tears will only fall when I'm alone.

Eternal Optimist

That's me.

But I really wish I wasn't. Because I am always hoping for the best, hoping for the impossible.

People mostly think I am a pessimist. Could be due to the fact that I'm usually the first person to bring up the cons of anything, even though inside I am feeling optimistic. I guess this is a self-protection mechanism kicking into place, because I know I need to neutralise the optimism, or else I will be hurt really bad when things don't turn out well. Just my way of telling myself not to hope so much and always be prepared when shit happens.

My optimism and my self-protection mechanism have always lived in peace, striking a balance. But now, I find them constantly at war with each other. At every turn, one side is trying to outdo the other. Optimism refuses to give up, and self-protection refuses to get hurt again. Neither one willing to give in to the other, both believing that the other is so wrong.

Now my life has lost its balance. And I find myself flitting between love and hate. Love was there before, it was always there, but hate is something new; a by-product of this war that is going on inside.

But I can't choose a side. How can I when I feel like there is still so much left unsaid, so much confusion and mixed signals. Sometimes I find myself wandering around in a state of shock, trying to make sense of things, wondering how could I have been so blind. But I know that soon, I will have to choose a side.

And I am so afraid of making a wrong choice.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Back in Penang, I used to know someone from choir. He left quite a big impression on me. So much that some of how I view life is in part because of him. And I still remember certain things involving him as if they had just happened yesterday.

I remember that he had big hands; not fleshy big, but strong big, with long fingers. I remember because I have always had a thing for hands; they simply fascinate me. And he was always wearing this ring on his pinkie finger.

One day we were just sitting around backstage, chit chatting about random stuff, when suddenly he took off the ring and showed it to me. He told me that the ring belonged to his grandmother and that one day he will give that ring to his wife. It was a band with some designs on it. I wasn't sure what metal it was made of, but it looked antique. I didn't know what to say except "Oooo..." and "Ahhh...." while looking at the ring. I was just 16 at the time and I thought that it was really sweet and romantic of him.

He was also the first person I knew who owned an SLR camera, back when SLRs weren't really popular and DSLRs hadn't even caught on yet. He once took a picture when we were in Australia. I think it was the first picture ever taken of me using an SLR camera.

It was autumn then. But I remember that it wasn't that cold that day. I was sitting on a bench in the park and this little girl who was the daughter of one of the choir members was sitting on my lap. I was kinda babysitting for a while. We were enjoying ourselves, laughing and telling our little secrets. The sun was shining through the trees and there were not many people around. I didn't even notice that he was nearby with his camera. He quietly snapped a picture of us.

Later when we came back to Malaysia, we were chatting online and he sent me that picture. I still remember it to this day. It showed two girls with the sun softly shining on them, just enjoying themselves, oblivious to the world around. I had my arms around Stephanie (that was also the little girl's name) and we were smiling so happily. To me, it was beautiful (and I'm not just saying that coz I'm in it...).

When he sent me that picture, he said that it was one of his favourite. It was mine too.

But I have no idea where that picture went. It has been lost over the years. I wish that I had kept better care of it.

It's a reminder that once, not long ago, life was simple and carefree...

Believe

I still believe that there is a Chris out there for me.

Someone worthy of receiving my heart and soul. Someone who will give me his heart and soul in return.

Someone who believes in "For better or worse" like I do.

Want to ease your tiredness, take away your pain, see you smile and know that I put it there.

But I have no rights to any of it anymore...

Wants

1. Cure for a broken heart
2. Memory remover
3. A Deloreon

But I don't know which one I want more.

Words

Sometimes, you don't want to just hear "I'm sorry".

You wish "Let's try again" and "I love you" was said as well.

Sometimes, you have to put on a smile even though you are dying inside.

Sometimes, you wish congratulations but inside it is like a knife twisting in your heart.

Sometimes, you look at a Twitter update and realise that you can't even remember what yours looked like.

Sometimes, you wonder what is wrong with you that caused it to be taken away.

Sometimes, you think you are strong enough to make it through the day, but then something comes along to make you break down.

Sometimes, you desperately need to cry your heart out, but there is no one to turn to.

And that is when you feel like curling up in a ball and die.

Heartbreak Hotel

Nowadays, looking at wedding pictures elicit bittersweet feelings.

Found this on a blog somewhere. Don't kill me if it didn't really come from him.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

- Bob Marley.

Not Caring

Sometimes I feel like when you care too much about something/someone, you leave yourself vulnerable to getting hurt. I know all that sayings about if you don't care about people, people won't care about you, ya-da ya-da. But maybe my case is a bit different. I find that it stresses me out when I care about what people are doing or saying. And this caring thingy is seriously starting to kill me.

I'm sort of the black sheep in my team. Maybe it's because they speak Chinese and I'm a certified 'banana'. Or maybe it's just because our 'senior' is the ring leader, telling the other two minions to sabotage me. Don't ask me why she's doing it or how I know...just call it a hunch.

They are always talking about stuff, even work stuff, and they just completely ignore me. It's not like I was sitting at the other end of Timbuktu office, my table is just right behind theirs for crying out loud! And the work stuff they talk about is something that I'm also in charge of, but somehow there is a participant in the conversations that has nothing to do with the task at all. When users come to me and ask a question about the task, I'm just left hanging there, without any clue as to what the heck is going on.

So everyday I have to eavesdrop on their conversations so that when I hear them talking about anything work related, I can quickly turn around and roll my chair over to their place just so I won't be left out of the loop. Do you have any idea how freaking tiring this is?!?!?!?!

Today was the last straw. I saw that one of the minions emailed a user about something related to the task I'm involved in and CC-ed the other minion but not me. So I got pissed off, and I made a concious effort to just ignore it when they are chatting on their IM without me, or leaving me out of their conversations, and boy, did it feel GOOD! I just didn't care about what they were doing or saying.

From now on I'll just do my work, lay low, and if upper management ask me why I'm not up to date with the tasks, I'll just say that I'm hired to systems configuration, not hacking into people's emails and spying on them.


P.S. I've actually talked to one minion about this and to include me in discussions next time, but so far, nothing has changed. Oh well, I think end-of-year review with upper management should be a good time to vent.

Must you raise your voice?? Does it help??
It makes me feel better!
Ok, so the next time you raise your voice, I'll raise my hand.
*wtf*
It makes me feel good.


Sarcastic or not, this month, twice he has talked about hitting me.

Addiction

Ok, ever since I started working, I've had more or less 9 hours of internet connection at my disposal. Add to that, the initial 6 months of work consisted of me basically doing nothing. So that's when I was first introduced to online shopping by the boyfriend, who opened up the world of eBay to me.

Initially, I pooh-poohed all those people who said that once you start, you can never stop. And then, I made my first purchase.

From then on, ladies and gentlemen, there was no stopping. It was the thrill of searching for stuff and doing research for the cheapest deal you could get online. Seriously, stuff online is SO much cheaper than in physical shops. I started prowling the site like a recessionista smelling a sale around the corner. And clicking the bid or "Buy it now" button everytime you see something you like never seemed easier. Granted, if you buy stuff internationally like from China, Hong Kong or US, shipping time is a b*tch, because it can take a month before it reaches you.

But eBay could only offer you so much. Which my colleague (devil in disguise?) later rectified by introducing me to Lowyat.net. That's when my condition took a turn for the worse. From a simple dress, I started taking part in makeup sprees and clothing pre-orders. I super love my E.L.F Studio makeup brushes which I got dirt cheap!

eBay and Lowyat were not my only haunts. I did venture to local blogshops to see what they were offering (even bought a pair of to-die-for pumps that are, unfortunately, too big for me *wails*), but I prefered eBay and Lowyat for the cheaper rates offered. And my hoard is growing bigger and bigger! I might need to have a yard sale soon... O.o
Of course, with online shopping, there is a risk that you might not like what you have bought when it arrives at your doorstep. Quality might be bad, colours different from what is shown, or it might not even fit you. But for me, the prices you get online is worth taking the risk. And you can negate some of the risks by doing RESEARCH. I admit, sometimes I get pretty obsessed with the research part because I don't want to end up with an item I absolutely hate. Another plus point is, I've also picked up a lot of beauty tips along the way.

So now, I have bought clothes, shoes, makeup and skincare, all online. Beauty tips were free :D

Now, with all these new stuff, I find the vainpot in me struggling to fight for domination of this currently couldn't-care-less body.

Sniff sniff~

I have an obsession with smells. If someone nice smelling happens to pass me, I will start sniffing like crazy. I have actually stopped, turned around and followed a person that smelled nice, all the while sniffing like a little puppy looking for hidden treats (discretely of course).

Someone up there was kind enough to hook me up with a guy who loves perfumes (I think he has more perfumes than I do!). And he has this deodorant I really LOVE, but which he doesn't wear that often ever since it went out of production, and he wants to save it for special occasions because he knows that I like it so much. But whenever he does wear it, the super crazy sniffing starts again. Even when we're in public. And you know where deodorants go right? Yup, ARMPITS. Well, thank god I'm short enough that when he puts his arm around me I can just discretely turn my head and start sniffing away without strangers thinking that I'm a weirdo with strange fetishes....Ahhhhh....heaven...

And that is why this morning, after the boyfriend hugged me before going off to work, some of his perfume/deodorant must have transfered to me, and I spent the entire journey to office in the car sniffing and sniffing, trying to figure out what is that scent. I couldn't put my finger on it! The scent was so faint, and just when I have given up on trying to sniff it out, it starts a little dance under my nostrils, and the sniffing starts all over again. And this continued for the better part of my morning in office. Kept messaging the boyfriend to ask him what perfume he used, but he was so slow in replying.

ARGH! The torture!!!

Smelly toilet paper

The toilets in my office have these industrial sized toilet rolls placed at the sinks. And they smell. Like, REAL bad. It smells as if those toilet rolls were made using soiled diapers and dead rats. Or maybe the dead rats were wearing soiled diapers. *rolls eyes*

Sometimes the cleaning lady even puts them in the toilet stalls when she runs out of the smaller sized, "unscented" rolls.

God knows what will start growing if I use it to wipe my va-jay-jay. *shudders*

Revelations

When you break up with someone, but still call each other 'dear' and tell each other 'I love you' and want to cuddle with each other, does that still mean that you are both 'broken up'?

This changes everything.

Heart in a million pieces, I feel like such a fool.

Reminders

At the front door, before leaving for work this morning...

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

*checks pockets* *looks at me blankly*

"You don't wanna eat lunch today ar?"

"Oh ya!" *hurries to the kitchen*

*yells from kitchen* "Eh, you don't wanna eat breakfast ar?"

"Oh crap..." *goes to kitchen*

He forgot his lunch and I forgot my breakfast. We make a great couple... -_-||

My Life Is Average

And still with nothing to do at work.

Stumbled upon this site from my Google Reader. Seriously, there are some funny stuff here. I think they are little snippets of stories from different people. And they seem to sign off with 'MLIA'. Was on page 30 when I saw this:

Today, after realizing that my girlfriend reads this site everyday,I'm deciding to ask her something. So, Megan F. will you marry me? Since I'm overseas and can't call, so I hope this is good enough of a proposal. I love you! Love Eric, With you MLI more than A.

Today, I read a post about my boyfriend proposing to me. Yes, Eric, I will marry you. I'll see you in a few months. -Megan MLI now completely beyond A.

Awwww...

Ok, I still have 778 pages more to keep me occupied. Thank god!

Boredom schmoredom

Ello. This is me. Blogging again. From office.

Yup, you read that right.

From office.

I’ve just finished the last 7 episodes of Gossip Girl Season 2 (old, I know) in office. Finished scrutinizing every blog I can think of (office finally lifted the ban). Bought a Neti pot on eBay coz I was bored. And now I’m hooked on the site and surfing till I’m seeing stars.

Envious right?

Not really.

I’ve gone past the ‘this-is-fun’ stage and arrived at the ‘rearrange-the-stuff-on-my-desk-24-times’ stage. Being surrounded by junk food is not helping matters either. It’s true when people say that when you have nothing to do, you eat. Whoever that says otherwise can talk to the extra 2 kgs around my middle.

I HATE the people with the remote control to the air-cond in my office. They’re the reason why I have a blankie, jacket and shawl with me at all times. It’s as if they are trying to stimulate the Ice Ages. Well, I hope they go the way of the dinosaurs. *shows hand minus 3 fingers and a thumb*

I think I might also be typing nonsense right now, just for the joy of actually doing something, even if it’s just typing. *type type type type* *clickity clack clack* *type* La-lala-la-la-lala. Hum de dum dum.

Happy Graduation!

Ok, so I didn't get African Daisies...I got a bouquet of flowers but not African Daisies.

But I did get a camera!!!!!! OMFGEEEEE!!!! I is so Happy!!!

Received flowers from BabyLern, and was happy already, wasn't really expecting anything else on that day. Mana tau he asked me to hold out my hand. And when I did, he put a pink little pouch in it. I was wondering what it was until I saw the word 'Lumix' written on it. To say I was happy would be an understatement. Ecstatic would be closer to describing it, delirious even. Was grinning like an idiot. It was exactly the camera I had always wanted!

Sigh...happy happy happy.

It's actually not my graduation pressie, the flowers were the present. The camera was my early birthday pressie. *cough* Tomorrow *cough*

*big kiss* *big hug* How not to sayang the fella leh u tell me??? U tell me?!!?!

I went around showing off my camera the entire day. Sorry for being so obnoxious, people! Can't help it. Hehehehe....

Graduation Day

Going for my rip-off convocation tomorrow. Didn't want to go initially coz of the rip-off charges, but my parents insisted. RM380 gone just like that. Who the hell charges RM95 per guest only for them to sit and watch the whole ceremony and have 'light refreshments' at 4.30pm??? Well, apparently APIIT does. Blardi hell, I might as well use that money to treat my parents to Jogoya...eat all you can AND I'll still have change after that.

Sigh....

Anyway, I was asked a few times what are my favourite flowers (most probably coz I think it's sorta a tradition to give flowers on a person's graduation day). And I realised that I didn't have one. Maybe African Daisies comes close, but I wouldn't exactly call it a favourite. I know for sure I don't like Tiger Lilies. Reminds me of big stuck-up, ostentatious 'tai tais'. African Daisies are more like fun-loving wild childs; carefree and friendly. :)

So if you really wanna get me flowers, I would prefer African Daisies. But I would actually really really love a wide angle camera... :D

Going out now to some steamboat buffet place in Sunway Mentari called RNC Seafood Steamboat where apparently, they serve cheese soup...yummy!

ktxbai