Sunday, July 08, 2012 | By: babedevil

A Year

If someone were to ask me, "What was the worse part of breaking up?", I would have to say, it is the knowledge that you weren't good enough for the other person to make them stay; It is knowing that you have been weighed and measured, and found wanting; it is knowing that you gave your best that you knew how, but still came up short.

I know that I am not crazy talented like some people out there. I don't play an instrument. I'm not an artist, nor am I super creative. I'm not one of those super popular people who has, like, a million and one friends. In fact, I don't really have anything that I'm super good at that would make people go "Hey, ask Steph. She's good at that". Heck, I don't run very fast either.

But make no mistake, it doesn't mean that I have low self esteem, or feel inadequate or anything like that. I am who I am, and I have accepted that. Just because I wasn't good enough for someone doesn't mean that I am not good enough for myself.

I could probably pick up and be real good at playing an instrument, if only I was less ADD, and didn't lose interest so fast and wasn't so easily bored.

I can be creative at times, once in a blue moon, just nothing very attention grabbing.

And for those million and one friends, well I guess that would mostly be my fault. I don't let my guard down easily, and I guess that pushes people away. I've been told that this trait of mine is quite frustrating to others. :/ There are very few people that I have let close, (very, very, very few) and most of them are immediate family members. And it probably didn't help much when one of those few people I let close, ended up hurting me...bad.

Ok, getting slightly off track here...

This past year has mostly been about trying to figure things out, where things went wrong, what went wrong, WHEN it went wrong. For someone who always needs to know everything about everything, it was kinda torture to be suddenly left pretty much in the dark.

It's hard when you have put your heart and soul into it, taken that leap of faith into the future, expecting to soar though the skies, but find yourself falling to the earth instead, with no one waiting to catch your fall.

And I only stepped off that ledge because I believed that even if I didn't fly, there would be someone below to catch my fall. That was how much I believed in someone. That no matter what happened, someone would always be there, would always be able to fix anything. I had so much faith.

Closure. I seek it everyday. It's not easy when you are filling in the blanks alone. But it's something that has to be done, because I don't want to bring extra baggage into the next chapter.

That's why I'm trying not to rush into anything pre-maturely, until I know for sure that I am truly ready. I don't want to end up burying the poor fella under all that baggage. :/

Sure, it does get lonely at times, I'm not gonna lie...and I find myself wondering why don't I just dive right into that relationship. But then again, solitude isn't too bad. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the other person that we forget how to be alone. And it really isn't a scary thing.

And I haven't lost hope that one day, I am going to meet that someone who will look at me in all my mediocrity, and only see something wonderful.