Easter

Just realised that it is just around the corner.

And that it has been nearly a year since Melbourne. Sigh...

Time flies.

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."

Lies

"Not so soon..."

One of the biggest lies you've ever told.

Reflections

Lately, I've had a lot of time to reflect, take a step back to gain some perspective.; about life, mistakes, what's real and what's not.

If nothing else, time to reflect was something I had.

And recently my reflections have been mostly centered on one question; "Is it possible to be a rebound for 3 years?"

No, that shouldn't be the question. It should instead be "Did I matter that little?".

Or "Was I so horrible?", that it only took less than 6 months to replace me?

Whatever the question is, it hurts.

It is possible to be happy for someone, and yet, be sad for yourself.

Use Somebody

When it hurts so much, you turn to the first person available and whisper, "Make me forget...just for a while...make me forget..."

Being Prepared

No matter how much you try to prepare yourself, you can never be really ready when it finally happens.

It hurts to know that you can be replaced; even more when it's so relatively soon...even sooner than the last.

My Happy Place

Do you have a place where you love to go to, which never fails to cheer you up and lift your spirits? A place that has been your happy place for a very long time, long before anyone else came into your life, long before you invited him along to your happy place.

What if one day, you went there, hoping it will cheer you up as it always had, but then you realised that things have changed. Everything you see now reminds you of things you once had, things that you'll never get back. The earlier memories have been overshadowed by more recent memories, until you can only remember the times where you were not alone at your happy place.

You look around, trying so hard to find the joy again, but everywhere you look, you are acutely reminded of everything that you have lost.

There are people all around you, but you have never felt more alone. And at the same time, you feel so suffocated, that all you want to do is get out of there and run far, far away.

Today is the day that I realised I have lost my happy place, and that I didn't know how to get it back.

The Saddest Thing

"The saddest thing in the world is when two people, who at one time knew everything about one another, act like strangers."

2011 was supposed to be the beginning of a new point in my life; one of the happiest times of my life. But instead, everything went horribly wrong.

This was the year I lost a loved one, and my best friend.

Thoughts are all a jumble in my head. Words don't come easy for me. Maybe that's why people misunderstand me. Perhaps that was what went wrong. Everything I've said seems to have made things worse.

Someone once told me that people can't change; but I have seen first hand that this isn't true. People can change so much that you don't even know who they are anymore. The person you fell in love with, disappears; and in its place, a stranger.

Is there a time limit that stipulates how long until a person has to move on? That if a person hasn't moved on by a certain time, they are doomed to a lifetime of misery and despair? I don't know.

Should a person force themselves to move on when they're not ready? Would that count as really moving on? Or do we do so just because others tell us that's the right thing to do?

I honestly don't have any answers for anything anymore.

Until now, so many questions remain, but I guess there won't be any answers forthcoming; because the person who could provide them is lost to me now.

We used to talk about everything. But now, there's just silence.

The pain is not as acute anymore, but it's still there. Just more of a numb pain now.

I'm starting to move on from losing a loved one. But the hardest thing right now, is to move on from losing a best friend.

Lately, I find that I'm trying to convince myself that true love still exists. Trying not to lose faith in "for better or worse". Trying not to become cynical.

Explains the sappy Youtube videos on my FB profile.

Her

I would prefer to find out about her where I can deal with it in private; not in public.

It's worse, not knowing, but suspecting.

09.10.11

The day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.

The day that I would have started a new chapter in my life.

False Hope...

...is a dangerous thing.

But how do you tell the difference between real hope and false hope?

Or maybe they are one and the same.

I am your _____.

I used to be your "Baby", "hunny bunny", "exotic girl", "B", "chocolate milk".

I used to pause to think of what to enter into that blank, because there were so many options to choose from. But now, when I pause to think, it is because I have no idea what to fill that blank with.

Because like that blank, now, I am no one to you.

It's All On Me

Anger is my way of protecting myself sometimes. But the funny thing is, I can never stay angry at him for long.
Because like a fool, no matter what, I can never bear to see him hurt.

And that's why I am the one who always gets hurt, again and again.

Fool.

What Happens When One Forgets?

 Something that struck a chord in me...

One thing, though, that stuck out as I watched last night was this:

Near the end, Duke is looking at the notebook he's been reading from the whole time. He flips to the front, and this dedication is written there:

"Read this to me, and I'll come back to you."

That line absolutely cuts me every time.

This story of love that is strong, won't be denied, and can't be broken is a great image of the commitment we make when we take our vows in front of friends and family at the church. Too often, today, when things get tough, people cut and run, leaving a wake of broken hearts and homes behind them. Not too many are willing to stick with it, no matter the cost.

The past 11 years with my wife have been incredible.
Have they been easy? Not always.
Have they been fun? Quite often, but not always.
Have we fought? Yes.
Have we made up? Yes.

As we all know, adversity can either make us stronger, or knock us down...and relationships willing to work through the hard times will be worth the effort.

Take some time, just with your spouse, and talk about "your story", the good and the bad, how it's tested you, and how it's made you stronger. It's worth it!

Now, read that line again:

"Read this to me, and I'll come back to you."

*Excerpt taken from here

You used to be the only person I ever let see me cry, the person I turned to for comfort, even when you were the one doing the hurting.

But now I'm back to square one.

No where to turn to, the tears will only fall when I'm alone.

Eternal Optimist

That's me.

But I really wish I wasn't. Because I am always hoping for the best, hoping for the impossible.

People mostly think I am a pessimist. Could be due to the fact that I'm usually the first person to bring up the cons of anything, even though inside I am feeling optimistic. I guess this is a self-protection mechanism kicking into place, because I know I need to neutralise the optimism, or else I will be hurt really bad when things don't turn out well. Just my way of telling myself not to hope so much and always be prepared when shit happens.

My optimism and my self-protection mechanism have always lived in peace, striking a balance. But now, I find them constantly at war with each other. At every turn, one side is trying to outdo the other. Optimism refuses to give up, and self-protection refuses to get hurt again. Neither one willing to give in to the other, both believing that the other is so wrong.

Now my life has lost its balance. And I find myself flitting between love and hate. Love was there before, it was always there, but hate is something new; a by-product of this war that is going on inside.

But I can't choose a side. How can I when I feel like there is still so much left unsaid, so much confusion and mixed signals. Sometimes I find myself wandering around in a state of shock, trying to make sense of things, wondering how could I have been so blind. But I know that soon, I will have to choose a side.

And I am so afraid of making a wrong choice.

Want to ease your tiredness, take away your pain, see you smile and know that I put it there.

But I have no rights to any of it anymore...

Wants

1. Cure for a broken heart
2. Memory remover
3. A Deloreon

But I don't know which one I want more.

Words

Sometimes, you don't want to just hear "I'm sorry".

You wish "Let's try again" and "I love you" was said as well.

Must you raise your voice?? Does it help??
It makes me feel better!
Ok, so the next time you raise your voice, I'll raise my hand.
*wtf*
It makes me feel good.


Sarcastic or not, this month, twice he has talked about hitting me.