The Way We Were

When we're good, we were very good.

But when we're bad, even thunderstorms couldn't hold a candle to us...

"So it's the laughter we will remember
Whenever we remember "

Mornië alantië

May it be
When darkness falls
Your heart
Will be true

Exhausted

I have so many things to blog, so many things to say, but work is slowly sucking the life out of me.  >_<

So now snippets of thoughts are mostly recorded down on Nexy.

But I have no idea when will I find the time to string it all into coherent posts...sigh...

My Perfect Valentine

Someone asked me for ideas to celebrate Valentine's Day. Well, I would probably be the last person to dish out good ideas, since I've never really celebrated V-Day (as far as I can remember anyway).

But it got me thinking, if I were to celebrate (and had someone special to celebrate with of course), what would I do?

First thing that popped into my mind?

Heading up to some hill with a great view at night, with pizza and a good bottle of Moscato. Having good conversations throughout the night under the stars, with the twinkling city lights below us.

Throw in a baseball bat or two for protection, lots of mosquito repellant, and a blankie to keep me warm (or maybe I'll just rely on him for that... ;)).

And that is what I call perfection.<3

Reflections

Lately, I've had a lot of time to reflect, take a step back to gain some perspective.; about life, mistakes, what's real and what's not.

If nothing else, time to reflect was something I had.

And recently my reflections have been mostly centered on one question; "Is it possible to be a rebound for 3 years?"

No, that shouldn't be the question. It should instead be "Did I matter that little?".

Or "Was I so horrible?", that it only took less than 6 months to replace me?

Whatever the question is, it hurts.

It is possible to be happy for someone, and yet, be sad for yourself.

Ramble On...

"Love? What's that? Can eat one ar?"

Little sayings and habits picked up from the past that are a part of my life now, in everything I think in my head.

"I wanna know what love is~~~~ I want you to show meeee~~~~"

Chocolate peanut butter waffles, Mango Nata de Coco pudding, chocolate cake, cups and cups of Revive. *om nom nom nom* I'm probably not doing my kidneys any favour.

On a sugar high ramble now.

When lovers break up with you, they leave behind parting gifts we like to call emotional baggage, which are then inherited by any person you might love in the future. Whenever you do something crazy, your new lover can say, “Gee, what jerk ex do I need to thank for that intimacy issue?!” You become a cumulation of everyone you’ve ever dated. You are a sum of someone else’s private parts.

When I'm Ready?

"Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."

I don't want to force myself to fall in love. I don't want to have to settle for anyone just because I'm lonely. Because I know it won't last. It won't be true. And it won't be fair to the other person.

But then again, what if I wait, and a few years go by before I get that feeling in my tummy again; of butterflies doing happy little jigs all around. And then I spend another 3 years on the relationship, only to have it crumble down on me again. By then, I'm 30. And I wait again for the butterflies, then 3 years, then everything falls apart again. And the cycle repeats itself.

Before you know it, I'm in my mid-30s, or even 40s.

I don't want to waste 3 years after 3 years, chasing my forever after. Giving my heart away, only for it to be found wanting, to be deemed inadequate.

I want to have kids. And this might be a complication in itself because of my medical condition. So I want to have them while I'm still healthy and able to, with as little risk as possible. But if I wait, I'm afraid that I might lose that chance.

I still want to believe in butterflies and happily ever after. But I'm afraid that eventually, I will have to settle for mediocrity, and "ok" instead of "great".

Some people seem to be able to fall in love with a snap of their fingers. But I never could.

Maybe I have too high expectations. Maybe I'm always looking for that 'click', that comfortable silence. Always analysing, and thinking twice, 3 times, before taking that leap; before uttering those 3 words. Because when I give my heart away, it's like hiding it in miles and miles of tangled yarn; to get it back, you would need to completely untangle the strings, without the help of scissors.

Maybe because for me, "love" comes hand in hand with "forever".

I wish others felt the same way.

The Bigger Picture

I have always over analysed everything. Probably because I like to have all my facts right. Good? Bad? I don't know. I just know that I like to be prepared. That's probably the reason why I bring my Doraemon bag with me everywhere.

So after going through every conversation and every thing that was said, I realised that it all came down to one thing; everything fell apart was because the bad was just too much to handle. And the bad just kept piling up because they were never really dealt with, just swept aside, and pretend everything was alright. The bad became so overwhelming, to the point that the only option one party could see was to give up.

That was the problem.

We tried so hard to fix everything else, but we somehow missed out on the most important thing; communication.

We focused on the little things, and lost sight of the bigger picture.

At the end of the day, no matter how much you love each other, things won't work out without communication, because misunderstandings will take its place.

Will I make the same mistake in the future? I don't know. Time machines don't exist, where we can go to the future and see how badly we screw up our lives or how we finally do things right, nor can we go back in time to undo what has been done.

All that can be done now is to hope for the best, and hope that when the time comes, we will remember the mistakes of our past, and finally make the right choice in the future.

"One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."

New Beginnings

Received an email on New Year's day with the following link:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Most of the things on the list are things I have come to realise myself over the past few months. Meaningful things that I constantly remind myself of.

And in some ways, I have also come to realise that I have changed, and yet, still remain the same.

He's your best friend. Be happy for him.

The Saddest Thing

"The saddest thing in the world is when two people, who at one time knew everything about one another, act like strangers."

2011 was supposed to be the beginning of a new point in my life; one of the happiest times of my life. But instead, everything went horribly wrong.

This was the year I lost a loved one, and my best friend.

Thoughts are all a jumble in my head. Words don't come easy for me. Maybe that's why people misunderstand me. Perhaps that was what went wrong. Everything I've said seems to have made things worse.

Someone once told me that people can't change; but I have seen first hand that this isn't true. People can change so much that you don't even know who they are anymore. The person you fell in love with, disappears; and in its place, a stranger.

Is there a time limit that stipulates how long until a person has to move on? That if a person hasn't moved on by a certain time, they are doomed to a lifetime of misery and despair? I don't know.

Should a person force themselves to move on when they're not ready? Would that count as really moving on? Or do we do so just because others tell us that's the right thing to do?

I honestly don't have any answers for anything anymore.

Until now, so many questions remain, but I guess there won't be any answers forthcoming; because the person who could provide them is lost to me now.

We used to talk about everything. But now, there's just silence.

The pain is not as acute anymore, but it's still there. Just more of a numb pain now.

I'm starting to move on from losing a loved one. But the hardest thing right now, is to move on from losing a best friend.

Mistakes

Over-analysed.

Expected too much.

Pushed too far.

Loved too hard.

Those were mine.

Some people say you should go out and sow your wild oats, experience all there is before settling down with the perfect one. And in the course of our search for the perfect one, we get so hurt and disillusioned, until love ceases to become as pure, because now we are so caught up in thoughts of potentially getting hurt again and how we are going to prevent that.

But what some people don't realise is while we are out there looking for that perfect one, we may have walked by the one who we were meant to be with.

I want love to be as innocent as it once was.

False Hope...

...is a dangerous thing.

But how do you tell the difference between real hope and false hope?

Or maybe they are one and the same.

Life before 06.07.08

Reading through my old posts, I realised that I DID have a lot of fun.

And I will again. <3

I am your _____.

I used to be your "Baby", "hunny bunny", "exotic girl", "B", "chocolate milk".

I used to pause to think of what to enter into that blank, because there were so many options to choose from. But now, when I pause to think, it is because I have no idea what to fill that blank with.

Because like that blank, now, I am no one to you.

Mood Swings

When I'm angry I just need to burst out for a while then I'll be fine within the next hour. My fire burns itself out pretty quick.

Even I shock myself with my mood swings sometimes.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Back in Penang, I used to know someone from choir. He left quite a big impression on me. So much that some of how I view life is in part because of him. And I still remember certain things involving him as if they had just happened yesterday.

I remember that he had big hands; not fleshy big, but strong big, with long fingers. I remember because I have always had a thing for hands; they simply fascinate me. And he was always wearing this ring on his pinkie finger.

One day we were just sitting around backstage, chit chatting about random stuff, when suddenly he took off the ring and showed it to me. He told me that the ring belonged to his grandmother and that one day he will give that ring to his wife. It was a band with some designs on it. I wasn't sure what metal it was made of, but it looked antique. I didn't know what to say except "Oooo..." and "Ahhh...." while looking at the ring. I was just 16 at the time and I thought that it was really sweet and romantic of him.

He was also the first person I knew who owned an SLR camera, back when SLRs weren't really popular and DSLRs hadn't even caught on yet. He once took a picture when we were in Australia. I think it was the first picture ever taken of me using an SLR camera.

It was autumn then. But I remember that it wasn't that cold that day. I was sitting on a bench in the park and this little girl who was the daughter of one of the choir members was sitting on my lap. I was kinda babysitting for a while. We were enjoying ourselves, laughing and telling our little secrets. The sun was shining through the trees and there were not many people around. I didn't even notice that he was nearby with his camera. He quietly snapped a picture of us.

Later when we came back to Malaysia, we were chatting online and he sent me that picture. I still remember it to this day. It showed two girls with the sun softly shining on them, just enjoying themselves, oblivious to the world around. I had my arms around Stephanie (that was also the little girl's name) and we were smiling so happily. To me, it was beautiful (and I'm not just saying that coz I'm in it...).

When he sent me that picture, he said that it was one of his favourite. It was mine too.

But I have no idea where that picture went. It has been lost over the years. I wish that I had kept better care of it.

It's a reminder that once, not long ago, life was simple and carefree...

Photo Love

Stumbled upon this quote while I was reading yesterday's papers.

"....you know a guy loves a woman when he cannot stop taking photos of her..." - Ekachai

Turns out I'm not the only one who agrees with that statement.

I Already Have Them

I had a dream last night. It wasn't a particularly nice dream. In fact it bordered on being a nightmare for me. I guess it was because I've been harboring this fear that I wouldn't be accepted as well as others have been.

Wanting affirmation from others is just like wanting the sun to rise in the West instead of the East; pointless and unnecessary. Getting new friends is always a nice thing, but even if they don't accept you into their circle, it's not the end of the world. I have my own friends now who accept me as I am.

Having a special connection with a new friend, that that makes you get along so well together that you can almost finish each other's sentences, is not so important, as I already have that with my existing friends.

After much thought and consideration, I'm letting go of all the wanting and needing. I've decided that it's just a waste of my precious time; time that could be better spent with loved ones. If people want to accept me into their inner circle and be close to me, then that's fine; but even if they don't want to, it's still acceptable to me. Because I know I already have friends who will be there for me (and takes the time to read my blog and Facebook to find out what's been happening in my life :) ).

So to all my friends out there, know that you really ARE appreciated.

*hugs*

P.S. Happy Chinese New Year Everyone! May you prosper and all your wishes come true.

My Secret Key

I have a key
I use it from time to time
To visit old friends
That have always been mine

Try as I may
I can never let them go
But keeping them around
Hurts me so

And so I have a key
I use it from time to time
I say 'hi' and I may cry
Hoping things will get better in time

And when I'm done
I put my key
In a secret place
No one knows but me

Are you or aren't you?

You know, I've noticed that foreign guys (FG) are more aggressive when they are chasing after a girl. He'll often call and sms her, and ask her out especially on weekends. He gets her little things and say "Just saw that and thought about you...". Whenever he's going out to a party or gonna hang out with friends, he thinks "Hmm, I wonder if she'll be interested in joining?" and proceeds to ask her along, and won't take no for an answer, even if it means he'll have to drive to the other end of the state just to pick her up.

For her birthday or Valentine's Day, he does something sweet and special for her to make it a memorable day. He gives her little compliments like "You look really nice today" to brighten up her day. He'll sneak out of class to accompany her when she's sitting all by herself.

With FGs, you can almost always tell when he likes you. On the other hand, local guys (LG) chase after a girl in such a lowkey way that sometimes the girl is left wondering "Is he into me? Or is he just treating me like a friend? Is he interested in taking our friendship further?". Furtive looks are the most lowkey tactic. I mean, it's okay if a girl does it, but come on guys, have some balls and just approach her la...(I'm old fashioned that way; guys should approach the girl first)

LG: *furtive look* OMG she's looking here!!! *look away*
Girl: Was he just looking at me??? OMG, does he like me *swoon*??? Hmm, but it was just a look, maybe I'm thinking too much.

And if LG doesn't ever approach her, this will probably go on till either
a) the girl losses interest in LG
b) they graduate and never see one another again OR
c) she gets herself another boyfriend *knife through LG's heart*

Either way, LG doesn't get the girl.

I'm not trying to say that all LGs are like that (some can be really sweet and romantic too), or that FGs are better than LGs...but it would be nice if more LGs were more straight forward when they are going after a girl. Seriously, girls would really appreciate it....I know I would.