Friday, January 27, 2012 | By: babedevil


When does love turn into indifference?
When does love turn into dislike?
When does love turn into avoidance?

And when does love become only a memory?
Saturday, January 21, 2012 | By: babedevil


Lately, I've had a lot of time to reflect, take a step back to gain some perspective.; about life, mistakes, what's real and what's not.

If nothing else, time to reflect was something I had.

And recently my reflections have been mostly centered on one question; "Is it possible to be a rebound for 3 years?"

No, that shouldn't be the question. It should instead be "Did I matter that little?".

Or "Was I so horrible?", that it only took less than 6 months to replace me?

Whatever the question is, it hurts.

It is possible to be happy for someone, and yet, be sad for yourself.

Thursday, January 19, 2012 | By: babedevil

Ramble On...

"Love? What's that? Can eat one ar?"

Little sayings and habits picked up from the past that are a part of my life now, in everything I think in my head.

"I wanna know what love is~~~~ I want you to show meeee~~~~"

Chocolate peanut butter waffles, Mango Nata de Coco pudding, chocolate cake, cups and cups of Revive. *om nom nom nom* I'm probably not doing my kidneys any favour.

On a sugar high ramble now.
When lovers break up with you, they leave behind parting gifts we like to call emotional baggage, which are then inherited by any person you might love in the future. Whenever you do something crazy, your new lover can say, “Gee, what jerk ex do I need to thank for that intimacy issue?!” You become a cumulation of everyone you’ve ever dated. You are a sum of someone else’s private parts.
Friday, January 13, 2012 | By: babedevil

Use Somebody

When it hurts so much, you turn to the first person available and whisper, "Make me forget...just for a while...make me forget..."

Wednesday, January 11, 2012 | By: babedevil

Little Pieces of Sunshine

Memories of a time gone by...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012 | By: babedevil

Being Prepared

No matter how much you try to prepare yourself, you can never be really ready when it finally happens.

It hurts to know that you can be replaced; even more when it's so relatively soon...even sooner than the last.

Sunday, January 08, 2012 | By: babedevil

My Happy Place

Do you have a place where you love to go to, which never fails to cheer you up and lift your spirits? A place that has been your happy place for a very long time, long before anyone else came into your life, long before you invited him along to your happy place.

What if one day, you went there, hoping it will cheer you up as it always had, but then you realised that things have changed. Everything you see now reminds you of things you once had, things that you'll never get back. The earlier memories have been overshadowed by more recent memories, until you can only remember the times where you were not alone at your happy place.

You look around, trying so hard to find the joy again, but everywhere you look, you are acutely reminded of everything that you have lost.

There are people all around you, but you have never felt more alone. And at the same time, you feel so suffocated, that all you want to do is get out of there and run far, far away.

Today is the day that I realised I have lost my happy place, and that I didn't know how to get it back.
Thursday, January 05, 2012 | By: babedevil

When I'm Ready?

"Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."

I don't want to force myself to fall in love. I don't want to have to settle for anyone just because I'm lonely. Because I know it won't last. It won't be true. And it won't be fair to the other person.

But then again, what if I wait, and a few years go by before I get that feeling in my tummy again; of butterflies doing happy little jigs all around. And then I spend another 3 years on the relationship, only to have it crumble down on me again. By then, I'm 30. And I wait again for the butterflies, then 3 years, then everything falls apart again. And the cycle repeats itself.

Before you know it, I'm in my mid-30s, or even 40s.

I don't want to waste 3 years after 3 years, chasing my forever after. Giving my heart away, only for it to be found wanting, to be deemed inadequate.

I want to have kids. And this might be a complication in itself because of my medical condition. So I want to have them while I'm still healthy and able to, with as little risk as possible. But if I wait, I'm afraid that I might lose that chance.

I still want to believe in butterflies and happily ever after. But I'm afraid that eventually, I will have to settle for mediocrity, and "ok" instead of "great".

Some people seem to be able to fall in love with a snap of their fingers. But I never could.

Maybe I have too high expectations. Maybe I'm always looking for that 'click', that comfortable silence. Always analysing, and thinking twice, 3 times, before taking that leap; before uttering those 3 words. Because when I give my heart away, it's like hiding it in miles and miles of tangled yarn; to get it back, you would need to completely untangle the strings, without the help of scissors.

Maybe because for me, "love" comes hand in hand with "forever".

I wish others felt the same way.
Tuesday, January 03, 2012 | By: babedevil

The Bigger Picture

I have always over analysed everything. Probably because I like to have all my facts right. Good? Bad? I don't know. I just know that I like to be prepared. That's probably the reason why I bring my Doraemon bag with me everywhere.

So after going through every conversation and every thing that was said, I realised that it all came down to one thing; everything fell apart was because the bad was just too much to handle. And the bad just kept piling up because they were never really dealt with, just swept aside, and pretend everything was alright. The bad became so overwhelming, to the point that the only option one party could see was to give up.

That was the problem.

We tried so hard to fix everything else, but we somehow missed out on the most important thing; communication.

We focused on the little things, and lost sight of the bigger picture.

At the end of the day, no matter how much you love each other, things won't work out without communication, because misunderstandings will take its place.

Will I make the same mistake in the future? I don't know. Time machines don't exist, where we can go to the future and see how badly we screw up our lives or how we finally do things right, nor can we go back in time to undo what has been done.

All that can be done now is to hope for the best, and hope that when the time comes, we will remember the mistakes of our past, and finally make the right choice in the future.

"One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."
Monday, January 02, 2012 | By: babedevil

New Beginnings

Received an email on New Year's day with the following link:

Most of the things on the list are things I have come to realise myself over the past few months. Meaningful things that I constantly remind myself of.

And in some ways, I have also come to realise that I have changed, and yet, still remain the same.

He's your best friend. Be happy for him.