When I'm Ready?

"Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."

I don't want to force myself to fall in love. I don't want to have to settle for anyone just because I'm lonely. Because I know it won't last. It won't be true. And it won't be fair to the other person.

But then again, what if I wait, and a few years go by before I get that feeling in my tummy again; of butterflies doing happy little jigs all around. And then I spend another 3 years on the relationship, only to have it crumble down on me again. By then, I'm 30. And I wait again for the butterflies, then 3 years, then everything falls apart again. And the cycle repeats itself.

Before you know it, I'm in my mid-30s, or even 40s.

I don't want to waste 3 years after 3 years, chasing my forever after. Giving my heart away, only for it to be found wanting, to be deemed inadequate.

I want to have kids. And this might be a complication in itself because of my medical condition. So I want to have them while I'm still healthy and able to, with as little risk as possible. But if I wait, I'm afraid that I might lose that chance.

I still want to believe in butterflies and happily ever after. But I'm afraid that eventually, I will have to settle for mediocrity, and "ok" instead of "great".

Some people seem to be able to fall in love with a snap of their fingers. But I never could.

Maybe I have too high expectations. Maybe I'm always looking for that 'click', that comfortable silence. Always analysing, and thinking twice, 3 times, before taking that leap; before uttering those 3 words. Because when I give my heart away, it's like hiding it in miles and miles of tangled yarn; to get it back, you would need to completely untangle the strings, without the help of scissors.

Maybe because for me, "love" comes hand in hand with "forever".

I wish others felt the same way.