Scream

I want to scream.

Scream my lungs out. Scream till this heavy feeling in my chest disappears. Scream till I stop feeling. Scream till I have nothing left in me.

Just scream.

A Year

If someone were to ask me, "What was the worse part of breaking up?", I would have to say, it is the knowledge that you weren't good enough for the other person to make them stay; It is knowing that you have been weighed and measured, and found wanting; it is knowing that you gave your best that you knew how, but still came up short.

I know that I am not crazy talented like some people out there. I don't play an instrument. I'm not an artist, nor am I super creative. I'm not one of those super popular people who has, like, a million and one friends. In fact, I don't really have anything that I'm super good at that would make people go "Hey, ask Steph. She's good at that". Heck, I don't run very fast either.

But make no mistake, it doesn't mean that I have low self esteem, or feel inadequate or anything like that. I am who I am, and I have accepted that. Just because I wasn't good enough for someone doesn't mean that I am not good enough for myself.

I could probably pick up and be real good at playing an instrument, if only I was less ADD, and didn't lose interest so fast and wasn't so easily bored.

I can be creative at times, once in a blue moon, just nothing very attention grabbing.

And for those million and one friends, well I guess that would mostly be my fault. I don't let my guard down easily, and I guess that pushes people away. I've been told that this trait of mine is quite frustrating to others. :/ There are very few people that I have let close, (very, very, very few) and most of them are immediate family members. And it probably didn't help much when one of those few people I let close, ended up hurting me...bad.

Ok, getting slightly off track here...

This past year has mostly been about trying to figure things out, where things went wrong, what went wrong, WHEN it went wrong. For someone who always needs to know everything about everything, it was kinda torture to be suddenly left pretty much in the dark.

It's hard when you have put your heart and soul into it, taken that leap of faith into the future, expecting to soar though the skies, but find yourself falling to the earth instead, with no one waiting to catch your fall.

And I only stepped off that ledge because I believed that even if I didn't fly, there would be someone below to catch my fall. That was how much I believed in someone. That no matter what happened, someone would always be there, would always be able to fix anything. I had so much faith.

Closure. I seek it everyday. It's not easy when you are filling in the blanks alone. But it's something that has to be done, because I don't want to bring extra baggage into the next chapter.

That's why I'm trying not to rush into anything pre-maturely, until I know for sure that I am truly ready. I don't want to end up burying the poor fella under all that baggage. :/

Sure, it does get lonely at times, I'm not gonna lie...and I find myself wondering why don't I just dive right into that relationship. But then again, solitude isn't too bad. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the other person that we forget how to be alone. And it really isn't a scary thing.

And I haven't lost hope that one day, I am going to meet that someone who will look at me in all my mediocrity, and only see something wonderful.

When Sixes and Sevens Meant Something

"...Best 2 years of my life..."

"...how do you see us in the future? :P"

"Old and grey, without LV and Gucci but with a fortune under the mattress collecting dust"

Dark Side

You ran away...

The Way We Were

When we're good, we were very good.

But when we're bad, even thunderstorms couldn't hold a candle to us...

"So it's the laughter we will remember
Whenever we remember "

Easter

Just realised that it is just around the corner.

And that it has been nearly a year since Melbourne. Sigh...

Time flies.

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."

Mornië alantië

May it be
When darkness falls
Your heart
Will be true

Lies

"Not so soon..."

One of the biggest lies you've ever told.

Exhausted

I have so many things to blog, so many things to say, but work is slowly sucking the life out of me.  >_<

So now snippets of thoughts are mostly recorded down on Nexy.

But I have no idea when will I find the time to string it all into coherent posts...sigh...

My Perfect Valentine

Someone asked me for ideas to celebrate Valentine's Day. Well, I would probably be the last person to dish out good ideas, since I've never really celebrated V-Day (as far as I can remember anyway).

But it got me thinking, if I were to celebrate (and had someone special to celebrate with of course), what would I do?

First thing that popped into my mind?

Heading up to some hill with a great view at night, with pizza and a good bottle of Moscato. Having good conversations throughout the night under the stars, with the twinkling city lights below us.

Throw in a baseball bat or two for protection, lots of mosquito repellant, and a blankie to keep me warm (or maybe I'll just rely on him for that... ;)).

And that is what I call perfection.<3

When...

When does love turn into indifference?
When does love turn into dislike?
When does love turn into avoidance?

And when does love become only a memory?

Reflections

Lately, I've had a lot of time to reflect, take a step back to gain some perspective.; about life, mistakes, what's real and what's not.

If nothing else, time to reflect was something I had.

And recently my reflections have been mostly centered on one question; "Is it possible to be a rebound for 3 years?"

No, that shouldn't be the question. It should instead be "Did I matter that little?".

Or "Was I so horrible?", that it only took less than 6 months to replace me?

Whatever the question is, it hurts.

It is possible to be happy for someone, and yet, be sad for yourself.

Ramble On...

"Love? What's that? Can eat one ar?"

Little sayings and habits picked up from the past that are a part of my life now, in everything I think in my head.

"I wanna know what love is~~~~ I want you to show meeee~~~~"

Chocolate peanut butter waffles, Mango Nata de Coco pudding, chocolate cake, cups and cups of Revive. *om nom nom nom* I'm probably not doing my kidneys any favour.

On a sugar high ramble now.

When lovers break up with you, they leave behind parting gifts we like to call emotional baggage, which are then inherited by any person you might love in the future. Whenever you do something crazy, your new lover can say, “Gee, what jerk ex do I need to thank for that intimacy issue?!” You become a cumulation of everyone you’ve ever dated. You are a sum of someone else’s private parts.

Use Somebody

When it hurts so much, you turn to the first person available and whisper, "Make me forget...just for a while...make me forget..."

Little Pieces of Sunshine

Memories of a time gone by...

Being Prepared

No matter how much you try to prepare yourself, you can never be really ready when it finally happens.

It hurts to know that you can be replaced; even more when it's so relatively soon...even sooner than the last.

My Happy Place

Do you have a place where you love to go to, which never fails to cheer you up and lift your spirits? A place that has been your happy place for a very long time, long before anyone else came into your life, long before you invited him along to your happy place.

What if one day, you went there, hoping it will cheer you up as it always had, but then you realised that things have changed. Everything you see now reminds you of things you once had, things that you'll never get back. The earlier memories have been overshadowed by more recent memories, until you can only remember the times where you were not alone at your happy place.

You look around, trying so hard to find the joy again, but everywhere you look, you are acutely reminded of everything that you have lost.

There are people all around you, but you have never felt more alone. And at the same time, you feel so suffocated, that all you want to do is get out of there and run far, far away.

Today is the day that I realised I have lost my happy place, and that I didn't know how to get it back.

When I'm Ready?

"Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."

I don't want to force myself to fall in love. I don't want to have to settle for anyone just because I'm lonely. Because I know it won't last. It won't be true. And it won't be fair to the other person.

But then again, what if I wait, and a few years go by before I get that feeling in my tummy again; of butterflies doing happy little jigs all around. And then I spend another 3 years on the relationship, only to have it crumble down on me again. By then, I'm 30. And I wait again for the butterflies, then 3 years, then everything falls apart again. And the cycle repeats itself.

Before you know it, I'm in my mid-30s, or even 40s.

I don't want to waste 3 years after 3 years, chasing my forever after. Giving my heart away, only for it to be found wanting, to be deemed inadequate.

I want to have kids. And this might be a complication in itself because of my medical condition. So I want to have them while I'm still healthy and able to, with as little risk as possible. But if I wait, I'm afraid that I might lose that chance.

I still want to believe in butterflies and happily ever after. But I'm afraid that eventually, I will have to settle for mediocrity, and "ok" instead of "great".

Some people seem to be able to fall in love with a snap of their fingers. But I never could.

Maybe I have too high expectations. Maybe I'm always looking for that 'click', that comfortable silence. Always analysing, and thinking twice, 3 times, before taking that leap; before uttering those 3 words. Because when I give my heart away, it's like hiding it in miles and miles of tangled yarn; to get it back, you would need to completely untangle the strings, without the help of scissors.

Maybe because for me, "love" comes hand in hand with "forever".

I wish others felt the same way.

The Bigger Picture

I have always over analysed everything. Probably because I like to have all my facts right. Good? Bad? I don't know. I just know that I like to be prepared. That's probably the reason why I bring my Doraemon bag with me everywhere.

So after going through every conversation and every thing that was said, I realised that it all came down to one thing; everything fell apart was because the bad was just too much to handle. And the bad just kept piling up because they were never really dealt with, just swept aside, and pretend everything was alright. The bad became so overwhelming, to the point that the only option one party could see was to give up.

That was the problem.

We tried so hard to fix everything else, but we somehow missed out on the most important thing; communication.

We focused on the little things, and lost sight of the bigger picture.

At the end of the day, no matter how much you love each other, things won't work out without communication, because misunderstandings will take its place.

Will I make the same mistake in the future? I don't know. Time machines don't exist, where we can go to the future and see how badly we screw up our lives or how we finally do things right, nor can we go back in time to undo what has been done.

All that can be done now is to hope for the best, and hope that when the time comes, we will remember the mistakes of our past, and finally make the right choice in the future.

"One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."

New Beginnings

Received an email on New Year's day with the following link:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Most of the things on the list are things I have come to realise myself over the past few months. Meaningful things that I constantly remind myself of.

And in some ways, I have also come to realise that I have changed, and yet, still remain the same.

He's your best friend. Be happy for him.