The Saddest Thing

"The saddest thing in the world is when two people, who at one time knew everything about one another, act like strangers."

2011 was supposed to be the beginning of a new point in my life; one of the happiest times of my life. But instead, everything went horribly wrong.

This was the year I lost a loved one, and my best friend.

Thoughts are all a jumble in my head. Words don't come easy for me. Maybe that's why people misunderstand me. Perhaps that was what went wrong. Everything I've said seems to have made things worse.

Someone once told me that people can't change; but I have seen first hand that this isn't true. People can change so much that you don't even know who they are anymore. The person you fell in love with, disappears; and in its place, a stranger.

Is there a time limit that stipulates how long until a person has to move on? That if a person hasn't moved on by a certain time, they are doomed to a lifetime of misery and despair? I don't know.

Should a person force themselves to move on when they're not ready? Would that count as really moving on? Or do we do so just because others tell us that's the right thing to do?

I honestly don't have any answers for anything anymore.

Until now, so many questions remain, but I guess there won't be any answers forthcoming; because the person who could provide them is lost to me now.

We used to talk about everything. But now, there's just silence.

The pain is not as acute anymore, but it's still there. Just more of a numb pain now.

I'm starting to move on from losing a loved one. But the hardest thing right now, is to move on from losing a best friend.

Lately, I find that I'm trying to convince myself that true love still exists. Trying not to lose faith in "for better or worse". Trying not to become cynical.

Explains the sappy Youtube videos on my FB profile.

Mistakes

Over-analysed.

Expected too much.

Pushed too far.

Loved too hard.

Those were mine.

Some people say you should go out and sow your wild oats, experience all there is before settling down with the perfect one. And in the course of our search for the perfect one, we get so hurt and disillusioned, until love ceases to become as pure, because now we are so caught up in thoughts of potentially getting hurt again and how we are going to prevent that.

But what some people don't realise is while we are out there looking for that perfect one, we may have walked by the one who we were meant to be with.

I want love to be as innocent as it once was.

Her

I would prefer to find out about her where I can deal with it in private; not in public.

It's worse, not knowing, but suspecting.

09.10.11

The day that was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life.

The day that I would have started a new chapter in my life.

False Hope...

...is a dangerous thing.

But how do you tell the difference between real hope and false hope?

Or maybe they are one and the same.

Life before 06.07.08

Reading through my old posts, I realised that I DID have a lot of fun.

And I will again. <3

I am your _____.

I used to be your "Baby", "hunny bunny", "exotic girl", "B", "chocolate milk".

I used to pause to think of what to enter into that blank, because there were so many options to choose from. But now, when I pause to think, it is because I have no idea what to fill that blank with.

Because like that blank, now, I am no one to you.

Mood Swings

When I'm angry I just need to burst out for a while then I'll be fine within the next hour. My fire burns itself out pretty quick.

Even I shock myself with my mood swings sometimes.

It's All On Me

Anger is my way of protecting myself sometimes. But the funny thing is, I can never stay angry at him for long.
Because like a fool, no matter what, I can never bear to see him hurt.

And that's why I am the one who always gets hurt, again and again.

Fool.

What Happens When One Forgets?

 Something that struck a chord in me...

One thing, though, that stuck out as I watched last night was this:

Near the end, Duke is looking at the notebook he's been reading from the whole time. He flips to the front, and this dedication is written there:

"Read this to me, and I'll come back to you."

That line absolutely cuts me every time.

This story of love that is strong, won't be denied, and can't be broken is a great image of the commitment we make when we take our vows in front of friends and family at the church. Too often, today, when things get tough, people cut and run, leaving a wake of broken hearts and homes behind them. Not too many are willing to stick with it, no matter the cost.

The past 11 years with my wife have been incredible.
Have they been easy? Not always.
Have they been fun? Quite often, but not always.
Have we fought? Yes.
Have we made up? Yes.

As we all know, adversity can either make us stronger, or knock us down...and relationships willing to work through the hard times will be worth the effort.

Take some time, just with your spouse, and talk about "your story", the good and the bad, how it's tested you, and how it's made you stronger. It's worth it!

Now, read that line again:

"Read this to me, and I'll come back to you."

*Excerpt taken from here

You used to be the only person I ever let see me cry, the person I turned to for comfort, even when you were the one doing the hurting.

But now I'm back to square one.

No where to turn to, the tears will only fall when I'm alone.

Eternal Optimist

That's me.

But I really wish I wasn't. Because I am always hoping for the best, hoping for the impossible.

People mostly think I am a pessimist. Could be due to the fact that I'm usually the first person to bring up the cons of anything, even though inside I am feeling optimistic. I guess this is a self-protection mechanism kicking into place, because I know I need to neutralise the optimism, or else I will be hurt really bad when things don't turn out well. Just my way of telling myself not to hope so much and always be prepared when shit happens.

My optimism and my self-protection mechanism have always lived in peace, striking a balance. But now, I find them constantly at war with each other. At every turn, one side is trying to outdo the other. Optimism refuses to give up, and self-protection refuses to get hurt again. Neither one willing to give in to the other, both believing that the other is so wrong.

Now my life has lost its balance. And I find myself flitting between love and hate. Love was there before, it was always there, but hate is something new; a by-product of this war that is going on inside.

But I can't choose a side. How can I when I feel like there is still so much left unsaid, so much confusion and mixed signals. Sometimes I find myself wandering around in a state of shock, trying to make sense of things, wondering how could I have been so blind. But I know that soon, I will have to choose a side.

And I am so afraid of making a wrong choice.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Back in Penang, I used to know someone from choir. He left quite a big impression on me. So much that some of how I view life is in part because of him. And I still remember certain things involving him as if they had just happened yesterday.

I remember that he had big hands; not fleshy big, but strong big, with long fingers. I remember because I have always had a thing for hands; they simply fascinate me. And he was always wearing this ring on his pinkie finger.

One day we were just sitting around backstage, chit chatting about random stuff, when suddenly he took off the ring and showed it to me. He told me that the ring belonged to his grandmother and that one day he will give that ring to his wife. It was a band with some designs on it. I wasn't sure what metal it was made of, but it looked antique. I didn't know what to say except "Oooo..." and "Ahhh...." while looking at the ring. I was just 16 at the time and I thought that it was really sweet and romantic of him.

He was also the first person I knew who owned an SLR camera, back when SLRs weren't really popular and DSLRs hadn't even caught on yet. He once took a picture when we were in Australia. I think it was the first picture ever taken of me using an SLR camera.

It was autumn then. But I remember that it wasn't that cold that day. I was sitting on a bench in the park and this little girl who was the daughter of one of the choir members was sitting on my lap. I was kinda babysitting for a while. We were enjoying ourselves, laughing and telling our little secrets. The sun was shining through the trees and there were not many people around. I didn't even notice that he was nearby with his camera. He quietly snapped a picture of us.

Later when we came back to Malaysia, we were chatting online and he sent me that picture. I still remember it to this day. It showed two girls with the sun softly shining on them, just enjoying themselves, oblivious to the world around. I had my arms around Stephanie (that was also the little girl's name) and we were smiling so happily. To me, it was beautiful (and I'm not just saying that coz I'm in it...).

When he sent me that picture, he said that it was one of his favourite. It was mine too.

But I have no idea where that picture went. It has been lost over the years. I wish that I had kept better care of it.

It's a reminder that once, not long ago, life was simple and carefree...

Believe

I still believe that there is a Chris out there for me.

Someone worthy of receiving my heart and soul. Someone who will give me his heart and soul in return.

Someone who believes in "For better or worse" like I do.

Want to ease your tiredness, take away your pain, see you smile and know that I put it there.

But I have no rights to any of it anymore...

Wants

1. Cure for a broken heart
2. Memory remover
3. A Deloreon

But I don't know which one I want more.

Words

Sometimes, you don't want to just hear "I'm sorry".

You wish "Let's try again" and "I love you" was said as well.

Sometimes, you have to put on a smile even though you are dying inside.

Sometimes, you wish congratulations but inside it is like a knife twisting in your heart.

Sometimes, you look at a Twitter update and realise that you can't even remember what yours looked like.

Sometimes, you wonder what is wrong with you that caused it to be taken away.

Sometimes, you think you are strong enough to make it through the day, but then something comes along to make you break down.

Sometimes, you desperately need to cry your heart out, but there is no one to turn to.

And that is when you feel like curling up in a ball and die.

Heartbreak Hotel

Nowadays, looking at wedding pictures elicit bittersweet feelings.

Found this on a blog somewhere. Don't kill me if it didn't really come from him.

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.

- Bob Marley.