You used to be the only person I ever let see me cry, the person I turned to for comfort, even when you were the one doing the hurting.

But now I'm back to square one.

No where to turn to, the tears will only fall when I'm alone.

Eternal Optimist

That's me.

But I really wish I wasn't. Because I am always hoping for the best, hoping for the impossible.

People mostly think I am a pessimist. Could be due to the fact that I'm usually the first person to bring up the cons of anything, even though inside I am feeling optimistic. I guess this is a self-protection mechanism kicking into place, because I know I need to neutralise the optimism, or else I will be hurt really bad when things don't turn out well. Just my way of telling myself not to hope so much and always be prepared when shit happens.

My optimism and my self-protection mechanism have always lived in peace, striking a balance. But now, I find them constantly at war with each other. At every turn, one side is trying to outdo the other. Optimism refuses to give up, and self-protection refuses to get hurt again. Neither one willing to give in to the other, both believing that the other is so wrong.

Now my life has lost its balance. And I find myself flitting between love and hate. Love was there before, it was always there, but hate is something new; a by-product of this war that is going on inside.

But I can't choose a side. How can I when I feel like there is still so much left unsaid, so much confusion and mixed signals. Sometimes I find myself wandering around in a state of shock, trying to make sense of things, wondering how could I have been so blind. But I know that soon, I will have to choose a side.

And I am so afraid of making a wrong choice.

Walking Down Memory Lane

Back in Penang, I used to know someone from choir. He left quite a big impression on me. So much that some of how I view life is in part because of him. And I still remember certain things involving him as if they had just happened yesterday.

I remember that he had big hands; not fleshy big, but strong big, with long fingers. I remember because I have always had a thing for hands; they simply fascinate me. And he was always wearing this ring on his pinkie finger.

One day we were just sitting around backstage, chit chatting about random stuff, when suddenly he took off the ring and showed it to me. He told me that the ring belonged to his grandmother and that one day he will give that ring to his wife. It was a band with some designs on it. I wasn't sure what metal it was made of, but it looked antique. I didn't know what to say except "Oooo..." and "Ahhh...." while looking at the ring. I was just 16 at the time and I thought that it was really sweet and romantic of him.

He was also the first person I knew who owned an SLR camera, back when SLRs weren't really popular and DSLRs hadn't even caught on yet. He once took a picture when we were in Australia. I think it was the first picture ever taken of me using an SLR camera.

It was autumn then. But I remember that it wasn't that cold that day. I was sitting on a bench in the park and this little girl who was the daughter of one of the choir members was sitting on my lap. I was kinda babysitting for a while. We were enjoying ourselves, laughing and telling our little secrets. The sun was shining through the trees and there were not many people around. I didn't even notice that he was nearby with his camera. He quietly snapped a picture of us.

Later when we came back to Malaysia, we were chatting online and he sent me that picture. I still remember it to this day. It showed two girls with the sun softly shining on them, just enjoying themselves, oblivious to the world around. I had my arms around Stephanie (that was also the little girl's name) and we were smiling so happily. To me, it was beautiful (and I'm not just saying that coz I'm in it...).

When he sent me that picture, he said that it was one of his favourite. It was mine too.

But I have no idea where that picture went. It has been lost over the years. I wish that I had kept better care of it.

It's a reminder that once, not long ago, life was simple and carefree...

Believe

I still believe that there is a Chris out there for me.

Someone worthy of receiving my heart and soul. Someone who will give me his heart and soul in return.

Someone who believes in "For better or worse" like I do.

Want to ease your tiredness, take away your pain, see you smile and know that I put it there.

But I have no rights to any of it anymore...