My Perfect Valentine

Someone asked me for ideas to celebrate Valentine's Day. Well, I would probably be the last person to dish out good ideas, since I've never really celebrated V-Day (as far as I can remember anyway).

But it got me thinking, if I were to celebrate (and had someone special to celebrate with of course), what would I do?

First thing that popped into my mind?

Heading up to some hill with a great view at night, with pizza and a good bottle of Moscato. Having good conversations throughout the night under the stars, with the twinkling city lights below us.

Throw in a baseball bat or two for protection, lots of mosquito repellant, and a blankie to keep me warm (or maybe I'll just rely on him for that... ;)).

And that is what I call perfection.<3

My Happy Place

Do you have a place where you love to go to, which never fails to cheer you up and lift your spirits? A place that has been your happy place for a very long time, long before anyone else came into your life, long before you invited him along to your happy place.

What if one day, you went there, hoping it will cheer you up as it always had, but then you realised that things have changed. Everything you see now reminds you of things you once had, things that you'll never get back. The earlier memories have been overshadowed by more recent memories, until you can only remember the times where you were not alone at your happy place.

You look around, trying so hard to find the joy again, but everywhere you look, you are acutely reminded of everything that you have lost.

There are people all around you, but you have never felt more alone. And at the same time, you feel so suffocated, that all you want to do is get out of there and run far, far away.

Today is the day that I realised I have lost my happy place, and that I didn't know how to get it back.

When I'm Ready?

"Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."

I don't want to force myself to fall in love. I don't want to have to settle for anyone just because I'm lonely. Because I know it won't last. It won't be true. And it won't be fair to the other person.

But then again, what if I wait, and a few years go by before I get that feeling in my tummy again; of butterflies doing happy little jigs all around. And then I spend another 3 years on the relationship, only to have it crumble down on me again. By then, I'm 30. And I wait again for the butterflies, then 3 years, then everything falls apart again. And the cycle repeats itself.

Before you know it, I'm in my mid-30s, or even 40s.

I don't want to waste 3 years after 3 years, chasing my forever after. Giving my heart away, only for it to be found wanting, to be deemed inadequate.

I want to have kids. And this might be a complication in itself because of my medical condition. So I want to have them while I'm still healthy and able to, with as little risk as possible. But if I wait, I'm afraid that I might lose that chance.

I still want to believe in butterflies and happily ever after. But I'm afraid that eventually, I will have to settle for mediocrity, and "ok" instead of "great".

Some people seem to be able to fall in love with a snap of their fingers. But I never could.

Maybe I have too high expectations. Maybe I'm always looking for that 'click', that comfortable silence. Always analysing, and thinking twice, 3 times, before taking that leap; before uttering those 3 words. Because when I give my heart away, it's like hiding it in miles and miles of tangled yarn; to get it back, you would need to completely untangle the strings, without the help of scissors.

Maybe because for me, "love" comes hand in hand with "forever".

I wish others felt the same way.

The Bigger Picture

I have always over analysed everything. Probably because I like to have all my facts right. Good? Bad? I don't know. I just know that I like to be prepared. That's probably the reason why I bring my Doraemon bag with me everywhere.

So after going through every conversation and every thing that was said, I realised that it all came down to one thing; everything fell apart was because the bad was just too much to handle. And the bad just kept piling up because they were never really dealt with, just swept aside, and pretend everything was alright. The bad became so overwhelming, to the point that the only option one party could see was to give up.

That was the problem.

We tried so hard to fix everything else, but we somehow missed out on the most important thing; communication.

We focused on the little things, and lost sight of the bigger picture.

At the end of the day, no matter how much you love each other, things won't work out without communication, because misunderstandings will take its place.

Will I make the same mistake in the future? I don't know. Time machines don't exist, where we can go to the future and see how badly we screw up our lives or how we finally do things right, nor can we go back in time to undo what has been done.

All that can be done now is to hope for the best, and hope that when the time comes, we will remember the mistakes of our past, and finally make the right choice in the future.

"One day you may realize you've lost the moon while counting the stars."

New Beginnings

Received an email on New Year's day with the following link:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/11/30-things-to-stop-doing-to-yourself/

Most of the things on the list are things I have come to realise myself over the past few months. Meaningful things that I constantly remind myself of.

And in some ways, I have also come to realise that I have changed, and yet, still remain the same.

He's your best friend. Be happy for him.

The Saddest Thing

"The saddest thing in the world is when two people, who at one time knew everything about one another, act like strangers."

2011 was supposed to be the beginning of a new point in my life; one of the happiest times of my life. But instead, everything went horribly wrong.

This was the year I lost a loved one, and my best friend.

Thoughts are all a jumble in my head. Words don't come easy for me. Maybe that's why people misunderstand me. Perhaps that was what went wrong. Everything I've said seems to have made things worse.

Someone once told me that people can't change; but I have seen first hand that this isn't true. People can change so much that you don't even know who they are anymore. The person you fell in love with, disappears; and in its place, a stranger.

Is there a time limit that stipulates how long until a person has to move on? That if a person hasn't moved on by a certain time, they are doomed to a lifetime of misery and despair? I don't know.

Should a person force themselves to move on when they're not ready? Would that count as really moving on? Or do we do so just because others tell us that's the right thing to do?

I honestly don't have any answers for anything anymore.

Until now, so many questions remain, but I guess there won't be any answers forthcoming; because the person who could provide them is lost to me now.

We used to talk about everything. But now, there's just silence.

The pain is not as acute anymore, but it's still there. Just more of a numb pain now.

I'm starting to move on from losing a loved one. But the hardest thing right now, is to move on from losing a best friend.

Eternal Optimist

That's me.

But I really wish I wasn't. Because I am always hoping for the best, hoping for the impossible.

People mostly think I am a pessimist. Could be due to the fact that I'm usually the first person to bring up the cons of anything, even though inside I am feeling optimistic. I guess this is a self-protection mechanism kicking into place, because I know I need to neutralise the optimism, or else I will be hurt really bad when things don't turn out well. Just my way of telling myself not to hope so much and always be prepared when shit happens.

My optimism and my self-protection mechanism have always lived in peace, striking a balance. But now, I find them constantly at war with each other. At every turn, one side is trying to outdo the other. Optimism refuses to give up, and self-protection refuses to get hurt again. Neither one willing to give in to the other, both believing that the other is so wrong.

Now my life has lost its balance. And I find myself flitting between love and hate. Love was there before, it was always there, but hate is something new; a by-product of this war that is going on inside.

But I can't choose a side. How can I when I feel like there is still so much left unsaid, so much confusion and mixed signals. Sometimes I find myself wandering around in a state of shock, trying to make sense of things, wondering how could I have been so blind. But I know that soon, I will have to choose a side.

And I am so afraid of making a wrong choice.

Believe

I still believe that there is a Chris out there for me.

Someone worthy of receiving my heart and soul. Someone who will give me his heart and soul in return.

Someone who believes in "For better or worse" like I do.

Wants

1. Cure for a broken heart
2. Memory remover
3. A Deloreon

But I don't know which one I want more.

Words

Sometimes, you don't want to just hear "I'm sorry".

You wish "Let's try again" and "I love you" was said as well.

Reminders

At the front door, before leaving for work this morning...

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

*checks pockets* *looks at me blankly*

"You don't wanna eat lunch today ar?"

"Oh ya!" *hurries to the kitchen*

*yells from kitchen* "Eh, you don't wanna eat breakfast ar?"

"Oh crap..." *goes to kitchen*

He forgot his lunch and I forgot my breakfast. We make a great couple... -_-||

Happy Graduation!

Ok, so I didn't get African Daisies...I got a bouquet of flowers but not African Daisies.

But I did get a camera!!!!!! OMFGEEEEE!!!! I is so Happy!!!

Received flowers from BabyLern, and was happy already, wasn't really expecting anything else on that day. Mana tau he asked me to hold out my hand. And when I did, he put a pink little pouch in it. I was wondering what it was until I saw the word 'Lumix' written on it. To say I was happy would be an understatement. Ecstatic would be closer to describing it, delirious even. Was grinning like an idiot. It was exactly the camera I had always wanted!

Sigh...happy happy happy.

It's actually not my graduation pressie, the flowers were the present. The camera was my early birthday pressie. *cough* Tomorrow *cough*

*big kiss* *big hug* How not to sayang the fella leh u tell me??? U tell me?!!?!

I went around showing off my camera the entire day. Sorry for being so obnoxious, people! Can't help it. Hehehehe....

Hanging Out at McD's

This is probably the first time I hung out at McD's till so early in the morning...was there for like nearly 4 hours leh...time flies....

Thank god for 24-hour McD's!!! *heart*

The Parents Know

BabyLern finally told his Dad bout us yesterday, or more like his Dad asked if he was seeing anyone. Either way, now his Dad knows (which means his Mum will know too, I guess...?). So today I decided to tell Mumi as well. Did it over breakfast. Dadi wasn't there though. Mumi didn't really show much reaction, just asked who it was. And she still remembered BabyLern from when he came over the other day.

Later on at home, SissyDear and I were sitting in the living room, and I told her that I had already told Mumi bout the boyfriend thingy. And for some reason she shouted "Mi! Stephanie has got a boyfriend already!" -_-'' That time Mumi was in the kitchen. Dadi was there with Mumi also, so I guess he heard. Mumi just said "Ya, I know. He came over the other day. Nice boy." So I guess BabyLern just got Mumi's approval...?

But Dadi didn't say anything. That's coz he's, well, he's just Dadi....he doesn't say much, especially when it comes to his daughters' love lives. I guess it's just coz he's the only guy in the family. But I think he's gonna ask Mumi a million questions later. Hehehe....Dadi is so cute sometimes! *heart*

PinkLappie Overloaded

Yesterday PinkLappie blue screened on me...BabyLern said that it was because our MSN conversation was getting too sexy for it already, so it crashed...Hahaha...*giggles*

<3

Frustrations...

Gym is good. Very good. In fact, damn good! And I'm not talking bout good for health here, people...rather, I'm talking bout how good it is for releasing pent-up frustrations. Seriously, if you're feeling particularly frustrated, just go to the gym and work that stationary bike to the ground! Or just pound it out on the freaking treadmill! Heck, come to think of it, you don't even need a gym...just go for a run around your neighbourhood!

Ahhh...seriously, I had so much energy when I hit the gym today...all those pent-up energy needed an outlet. Could have gone a few more kilometres on the bike, but was running short on time...Damn! But at least got to release some of the frustrations....

ARGH!!! OMG, can feel it all building up again!!! NOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *pounds head against wall*

Sweet Day...

Finally went to Ikea after longing to for a very long time. Bought some stuff and put them in the car coz still wanna walk around The Curve...and that's when my day turned sweeter....

*happy sigh* Well, some of my friends have always asked the question "Why are you still single???", "When are you gonna get a bf?". The answer has always been "When I am good and ready to get a bf, I will get a bf!", or "I just haven't found the right person who makes me wanna get into that relationship mumbo jumbo yet."

Well, I made a promise to a couple of friends (don't know if they still remember it though...it was said just in passing...) and now I'm keeping that promise....

I Found Him!!!

*giggles* Yup, it became official today. Well sort of la...we had a sorta failed take off a couple of days ago...But then, it's all good. Turns out it's a good date too, easy to remember...06/07/08

My irritability threshold was significantly higher today, couldn't seem to get mad even when people stepped on my shoes (I really don't like that coz my shoes are already gonna come apart at the slightest pressure :s) Ahhh...I still get butterflies in my tummy whenever I think back on today.

Can't stop smiling!!! :D

<3

<3

<3

Me Is Bad Daughter...

Was surfing in the living room as usual. DadDi walked past and saw my Hershey's Kissables, which I just got yesterday, next to PinkLappie.

DadDi: "What's that?"
Me: "What's what?" *looks around*
"That..." *points to the silver pack of chocs*
"Oh, that....they're chocolates." (oh crap, shouldn't have said that)
*smiles and holds out his hand* (SEE!!! Told you so!!!)
"Erm, kenot!!!"
"Why not???"
"Erm...coz....coz they're mine!"
"......" *goes upstairs*

Sorry la Di....but I also keberatan wanna eat them myself! I buy you your own chocolates ok???

But then again, my Kissables have an expiry date...if tak makan, a bit wasted rite? Hmmm...maybe I should eat one whenever I'm lonely, medicine for the lonely heart....means that I should have finished the whole pack by now... -_-''

Wrong Time, Wrong Place

It was so unexpected, maybe I shouldn't have started it then and there. It was just me, nudging too much. My bad. But seriously, I didn't imagine it happening right then and there. When I heard the statement, I was like thinking 'WHAT??!!! NOO!!! Not here!!!'. Hahaha...damn I'm so fussy sometimes. Feel kinda bad now though. Maybe my reaction was a tad too over-the-top. Should have handled it better, maybe a little more sensitively...?



P.S. I'm so sorry! I realise that it took a lot of effort on your part....I just wasn't thinking! *blush*

Holiday mode

Ahhh....assignments submitted, exams over...I feel so free right now! (don't remind me bout FYP! It's nonexistent for the time being...) Went to sing k with Keith, Kevin, Grace-y, JuYau and Hoe-pet the day after my last paper...my voice is so out of shape adi!!!! Hey, voice also must exercise ok...!!! Grace-y had to leave at 6pm so it was just me with the guys till late at night.

Woke up early Sunday morning to go to Genting and gila gila there with other crazy people for a night. Was kinda tired though, coz I only slept for like 2 hours on Saturday night. Went to theme park, but it was kinda boring adi, the thrills lasted for such a short while... :( Hung out at Starbucks while waiting for our turn to check in to the hotel (our turn was like, 400 numbers away!!!) OOoooo, got tired of waiting so some of us went to the casino...my first time!!! Had a drinking session in the room that night. There seemed to be some conspiracy to try to get me drunk...hmm...couldn't drink much that night, was probably too tired...so I bowed out and went to bed before the bottle was empty... O.o This seems to be a day of firsts...

Was really tired on Monday. Couldn't seem to keep myself awake. Was sleeping wherever I could; at breakfast, back at the hotel room, in the car on the way down from Genting, even at CincauAaron's place while watching tv :s But managed to find the strength to go out yum cha with Keith and Kevin that night though, came home around 1-something am only...LOL...

Tuesday...aahhh....finally a day where I'm free to do my laundry.

Wednesday, went on a date <3 color="#ff0000">SorryWrongNumber, Coffee, and Erica (Coffee's friend). Angelina Jolie is SOOooo HAWT!!! I'll say it again, I wouldn't mind doing her....wouldn't mind doing her other half either....heck, wouldn't mind doing them both at the same time! After satisfying my fantasies in the cinema, we went to Sunway Pyramid to jalan jalan...(Coffee's idea, he must have been really bored those past few days)

Friday, laundry day again. Yippie!!! (hey, I haven't had much time to do laundry since exams started ok....!)

Saturday, again, laundry day...(chill...it's almost all done already)

Sunday, went to the Puppy.com doggie event at 1Utama park with SissyDear. It was drizzling that day though, we got kinda soaked. Doggies looked like wet balls of moving fur. Blue-y looked even more like a wet piece of moving rug....ahaks. Managed to pop into 1U to do some shopping. Bought a concealer to cover up my dark eye circles courtesy of APIIT (dark eye circles, not concealer...-_-''). Went home and wanted to do my last load of laundry, but SissyDear commandeered the washing machine for her laundry...Oh, well....OOooo...have a bruise on my butt after I fell on it in the park. Was holding on to Jo's cocker spaniel Brandy, and she saw something that interested her, gave a mighty tug, and the next thing u know, I'm on my butt on the wet grass. The chair I was sitting on was kinda on a slope though and Brandy caught me by surprise, so maybe that's why I fell so easily...Was screaming like a little girl when I realised what was about to happen (was at it for quite some time) but no one came to my rescue :( Heard Ivan laughing there some more *sniff* Ouch...

Monday, was supposed to go down to Klang today, but SissyDear skipped work and wanted to go to 1U. Me starting to get itchy also, so I decided to postpone Klang and tag along with SissyDear. Walked into Padini Concept Store and bought 2 pairs of shoes within 10 minutes (they were 50% off!!! Original price >RM60, couldn't resist!). Went to F.O.S. and bought 2 'Old Navy' long sleeve tops for RM29, 2 cute racer-back tees for RM16 and 2 pairs of these oh-so-cute shorts for RM26. Since I was already on a shopping spree, decided to do further damage and buy some face powder also... -_-'' Dunno if I should be happy or sad on that day. Happy coz I bought so many new stuff, or sad coz I spent so much getting those said stuff...Hmm....

Tuesday, in Klang now, just as I had promised Mumi (she was making a lot of noise bout why I was on holiday for so long already but now only coming home....)

Wednesday, hhhmmm, Wednesday, Wednesday....hopefully someone will ask me out tomorrow, but not that optimistic though...haih...